Dear Douchebag Who Smashed My Car Window Last Night

1. You're an idiot for not being able to jimmy open a 1996 Honda with manual locks. A retarded baby could pick the locks on this car. It's been broken into 4 times since I moved to LA, and flat out stolen once. You're the only one who couldn't figure out how to get in without smashing the window.

2. Thank you, but you're an idiot for not taking anything. Sure, you didn't find that ipod or GPS you were looking for, but there was probably $150 in various ipod/GPS/phone accessories in the glove compartment, plus a nifty pair of cleats in the backseat.

3. I saw you opened the plastic bag in the backseat that had a blood-soaked t-shirt in it. You didn't know that was fake blood, did you? I hope it freaked you out.

4. Like I said, my little Honda's been broken into by better men than you. Let's review:

First time was right after we got back from New Year's Eve in San Fransisco. I consider this one my fault, because amid all the unpacking, I forgot to lock the passenger side door. This one sucked because my new ipod was in there (good lesson: do not leave ipod in car). When I bought a new ipod, I got it engraved to say "If you're not Courtney Davis, then this ipod is STOLEN!!!" Somewhat useless, but made me feel better.

The second and third times I get mixed up because nothing was actually stolen and no damage was done to the car. On one occasion, I just came out in the morning to find that my car had been rummaged through. Nothing taken, no damage. The other time was when Todd and I went downtown to see some music and parked briefly to have a drink at a bar. We were only in the bar about 20 minutes, but when we came out, my driver's side door was ajar and my glove compartment had been rummaged through. I consider myself hard-core lucky on this one, because I had left my purse in the backseat.

Then my car was flat out stolen in January 2008. I came out on a Sunday morning to go to yoga and realized it was gone. The cops found it a week later, abandoned downtown somewhere. Broken ignition switch, dead battery, and blown out speakers (they were jamming!!!), but otherwise okay.

I don't really understand why so many people in LA want to break into a shitty 1996 Honda CX hatchback. It's times like these when I think LA really doesn't like me. And I say, I don't like you either, LA. And by the way, you're covered in trash.

Sincerely,
Lighter $120 Bucks, but Otherwise Not Too Bad

good car

Softball Game #2

Lost 12-8. At least better than 18-10! We might be ready to actually win one next week.

Or we'll just lose them all and be like the first softball team I was on, The Eagles. We came in last place 2 years in a row. All because our stupid coach was a busy lawyer and never actually held any practices. It wasn't until I got on the Red Devils that I found out people actually had practices every week. I always wanted to go back and kick that guy in the shins.

Our team got jerseys this week, which was great. I also bought pants, socks, cleats and batting gloves last week at Big 5. My pants are a youth large, and might actually be football pants. I don't care! They look good!

Highlights for me at this week's game included hitting a nice line drive, bloodying my knee, and catching an infield pop-up, which is exactly the kind of thing I dread and the whole reason I'm reading The Mental Game of Baseball. I was so excited after I caught it, I did a little victory dance. Todd said I was showboating. Sigh.

We also decided that the other team was trying to cheat and that the umps were being unfair. Three different times we got called out on rules that we didn't know about: (1) runner can't leave the base before the ball has left the pitcher's hand, (2) runner can't stop between bases even if they're trying to avoid a ball in play, (3) runner can't overrun the bag even if they get back to the bag before they get tagged out. (That last one was the one I got called out on, and I think it's fishy.)

We also took team and individual portraits today at work! Photos coming soon.

Softball!

Played my first company softball game tonight. We lost 18-10. Real Bad-News Bears style. They scored seven runs in the first inning, we scored zip. My first at bat, I got hit in the arm by my own fly ball.

We rallied in later innings, but never got closer than four runs. My game highlight was hitting a 2-run RBI single in the last inning, although I then promptly got tagged out (to end the game!) because I was caught off first base after someone caught a line drive. Bummer.

I was starting to have flashbacks of being on the West University Softball All-Stars Team in 6th and 7th grade. We would go to tournament games with other leagues and get our asses handed to us. We'd lose 30-0, easily. There was no "mercy" rule, so we'd just chant mean things to the other team. The "You Ugly" chants were our go-to:

u-g-l-y
you ain't got no alibi

you ugly
yeah yeah
you ugly

brother sam
sister sue
they're both ugly
just like you

you ugly
yeah yeah
you ugly

y-l-g-u
yo mamma's ugly
just like you

you ugly
yeah yeah
you ugly

Classic!!

We also made up our own chants, mostly based on the fact that the girls on the other teams were about twice our size. They were big girls. Most would go on to play college ball, I'm sure. The one chant I always remember is:

Get back
Get back
Get back
to the woods
your team ain't got no class
and your coach is no good

I should have pulled that one out at tonight's game. The other team was full of bruisers.

Jesse from my improv group is going to loan me "The Mental Game of Baseball". It's going to keep me from making mental mistakes (see: fly ball in 2nd inning of tonight's game). I can't wait!

Yes, I am wearing the same glasses.

I Heart T-Shirts

I just realized that I'm back in a wacky t-shirt phase. It's good to know that as I'm getting older, I'm becoming more like a 5th grader.

From middle school through early adulthood, I went away from the wacky shirts. There was the very girly middle school style (James Avery, lots of bows). There was early high school style (baggy jeans, button-downs, converse). There was late high school style (vests, blazers, jeans with no belt). There were occasional suspenders. There were always hats.

But I'm glad the wacky shirts are back. Here's a look at some old and new faves:

5. Fuzz Aldrin

Just bought this shirt a few weeks ago, but I'm going to kick off the list with it in order to celebrate (1) my return to wacky t-shirts and (2) my official transformation into a crazy cat lady. I love this shirt. I get compliments on it all the time. I want everyone I know to buy one.

4. People Who Think They Know It All Are Particularly Annoying To Those Of Us Who Do

Red shirt with black lettering. Worn all throughout elementary school. An excellent shirt because it had a lot of text, but the words KNOW IT ALL were giant and in the middle. You get the drift. What's great about this shirt is that my older brother and I both bought them at the same time, then after I grew out of mine, I just wore his. You can't just let a shirt like that go without a fight, people.

[Not pictured. Sadly!]

3. Milton is a Shitbag

I made these t-shirts to promote my short animated comedy (and MFA thesis film!) called Milton is a Shitbag. You used to be able to order them off the website. They were pink for girls and brown for boys, and you could pick your fave Milton picture (sitting or jumping) and your fave Milton saying (I peed on it!, I have a tiny brain!, etc.)

But I most often wore the original one I had made to promote the film at the Austin Film Festival. It was royal blue with Milton sitting, no caption. I wore it until a couple of years ago when the iron-on started cracking pretty bad.

This series of shirts started my love of DIY iron-ons (and subsequently DIY fake tattoos!)

2. I'm Not Deaf I'm Ignoring You

The very best of the sassy elementary school shirts, because I wore it in my 6th grade school portrait. And it wasn't like I didn't give picture day any thought. I gave it a lot of thought.

I remember my Dad looking at this photo and asking, "Does your mother just let you wear anything in your school photos?? Do you even brush your hair?" Nice.

1. Dr. Pepper

Not particularly wacky, but a Courtney Davis classic. Bought in college at the Fiesta supermarket in Austin, TX. Worn constantly and delightedly, as I was in perhaps the hardest-core phase of my lifelong love-affair with Dr. Pepper. I remember my boyfriend at the time thinking I was nuts once when, in the middle of drinking a Dr. Pepper and wearing the shirt, I held up a six pack of Dr. Pepper to him and asked, "Do you want something to drink? I think all we have is Dr. Pepper."

10+ years later, it's still in my dresser drawer. Has a hole in it, is a rarely worn. But always there if I need it.

Go team DP!

Why Does All the Money in My Wallet Smell Like Cat Pee?

I was in the drive-thru line at Starbucks this morning, pulled four bucks out of my wallet and realized all the money in my wallet smelled like cat pee (but not my wallet or anything else in my purse). WTF?! Who gave me these cat pee soaked dollars?? I smell enough cat pee already!

Then I had to drive to work with a cat pee smelling hand. Gross.

Cocoa Krispies are Delicious

Especially when you eat them at 1:30 am, like I have for the past 2 days. Then straight to bed. Yum-o!

Normally, I'm a high-fiber cereal girl (needs my bran, old lady style). But I'm weak in the knees for sugar cereals. I can't normally buy them or I'll just eat the whole box in two days. The Cocoa Krispies were a Late Night Lady at the 7-11 Situation.

Top 5, For My Money:
1. Cocoa Krispies
2. Apple Jacks
3. Cap'n Crunch
4. Cinnamon Life (!)
5. Froot Loops

These Kittens Are Not As Cool As They Should Be

Folks, here's the deal. My awesome cat died last December. He was freakin' cool. Now I've got these 2 kittens, and they're not as cool as they should be! They're kind of dumb and boring!

Actually one of them is kind of cool. He comes when you call his name and does funny/weird stuff like chase his tail and accidentally shut himself into a dresser drawer. And he's fluffy.

But the other one is super annoying. He's squirmy. He's constantly in your face, but can't handle being picked up or petted. It's like trying to pet a squirrel. I have to lock him out of the bedroom at night, because if I let him in, he'll spend the whole night stomping on my head. Also, he's kind of dumb. When I call his name, he just stares at the wall. Also, he farts a lot.

Conclusion: I should have bought the $600 Maine Coon that my friend David told me I couldn't buy because it would mean that I'm a weird Leona Helmsley lady. Who cares? I already have a freakin' cat tree in my living room! What's the diff?

Signed,
The Annoying One is Currently Trying to Rip a Button off My Shirt

Guess which one is which?