Thurday night I had a horrible encounter with a GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH.
I should preface this whole blog entry by saying that I HATE roaches, fear them intensely and find them completely horrifying and repulsive. There's not one thing in the world that I hate more. NOT ONE THING.
I am fine with spiders! They eat other bugs and thus are a force for good! When they're in the house, I try to catch them in a glass and put them outside!
Spiders are helpful and wear hats!I am fine with mice and rats! I saw a mouse in our apartment once, and it wasn't scary at all! I just went out and bought a bunch of those ultra-sonic pest control things that you plug in and that probably don't work!
Mice are cute and hug strawberries!Giant roaches, however, cause a sort of horror-disgust-hatred-paralyzing fear combo in me. SEVERAL times when I have seen a roach, I have been so frozen in fear that the only thing I can do is just stare at it. I can't kill it because I'm too scared. But I can't go into another room because then I won't know where it went. It's terrible. I have had staredowns with giant roaches for the better part of an hour.
If you are my friend, do not fuck around with me and make jokes about roaches. One time when I was working on a movie shoot, a girl said to me "Ooh, Courtney there's a roach on your back!', then giggled as I freaked out. Once I realized it was a joke, I'm pretty sure I screamed "YOU FUCKING BITCH" in her face.
I would also like to add that I am from Houston, Texas, HOME of the giant cockroach. Home of the giant FLYING cockroach. My entire childhood was spent being traumatized by giant roaches. It doesn't matter where you live, it doesn't matter how clean your house is, and it doesn't matter if you spray for bugs. If you live in Houston, you WILL see giant roaches. They live in the trees and they can flatten their bodies and squeeze under ANYTHING. Fucking gross.
Last night's roach episode brought back a number of horrible roach experiences from my life:
1. When I was in elementary school, I was at my Dad's house after a softball game, and I went to use the bathroom and a FUCKING GIANT FLYING COCKROACH flew out of the toilet paper roll as I was SITTING DOWN TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I yanked up my pants, threw the bathmat over it, and stomped it to death with my cleats. Satisfying.
2. One time in high school I was laying down in the living room watching TV when I looked up and saw a GIANT FUCKING ROACH on the ceiling directly above my head. I got up and swatted it off the ceiling with a broom and it FUCKING FLEW AROUND THE FUCKING ROOM. When it finally landed on the floor I bashed it to death with the broom, screaming bloody murder the whole time. I drove over to my friend's house afterwards and was so crazed that I almost got into a car accident.
3. Another time in high school, I was up late studying with a friend for a Chemistry test, and we went out to the kitchen to get a cupcake, and there was a FUCKING GIANT ROACH SITTING ON ONE OF OUR FUCKING HOMEMADE CUPCAKES! Pigging out!! He was so enormous that his butt was hanging off the edge of the cupcake. It was disgusting. The next morning, there was a big hole in the frosting where that stupid fucking roach had been eating.
4. Once when I was home from college, I Lysoled a giant roach to death in my mom's bathtub, and then was so disgusted by its dead body that I just left it there. The next morning, my mom just thought a roach had died in the bathtub. But it turned out that I had sprayed so much Lysol in the tub that a week later the finish on the bathtub started cracking and peeling and had to be totally replaced. Oops.
5. One time when I had my cat Milton, I was sitting on the couch eating some lunch and was absent-mindedly playing with something with my toe. Then I looked down and realized that it was a fucking dead roach. Ag! But then I realized that it had clearly been killed by my cat because its wings and legs were chewed off. This pleased me. I hope that fucker suffered.
6. One time in grad school, I had left a bunch of dishes in the sink too long, and when I went to clean them up, a fucking SHIT TON OF FUCKING GIANT ROACHES swarmed out. My friend Mark was there and he killed all of them, which was amazing. I later made out with Mark, which I think was at least partly a thank you for killing all those fucking roaches.
Since moving to Los Angeles, my encounters with roaches have been minimal. To me, the absence of giant roaches is hands down the NUMBER ONE BEST THING about LA. Better than the weather, the mountains, the oceans, whatever. Number one best thing is no giant fucking roaches.
Thursday night I was sitting on the couch at about 1am when I looked up and saw a GIANT FUCKING ROACH sitting on the door of one of our shelves near the bathroom. It was fucking HUGE. And just sitting there.
I wanted to spray him with some Raid, but it's always terrifying to try and kill a roach that's on the wall. Because I know that giant roaches WANT TO FLY INTO MY FACE. They know that this would traumatize me forever and/or cause me to have a heart attack. But I assessed this roach and decided that although he was enormous, he was probably not a flier. I haven't been around a flying cockroach since high school!
So I got as close as I could stand (not that close) and sprayed him with some Raid. He freaked out and ran into the cabinet and I figured that was the last I'd see of him. But all the sudden he booked it out of the cabinet and started running all around the door frame. I screamed and sprayed him again and then he fucking took off and FLEW ACROSS THE ENTIRE LIVING ROOM. It was a fucking horror movie. I was screaming and spraying Raid at him the whole time. He finally landed on the wall on the other side of the living room, tried to climb into the blinds, and fell to the ground. One of the kittens started playing with him (it's about time, kittens!!!), but I couldn't take any chances, so I just drowned him in Raid.
About that time, Todd (who had been sleeping, as he had to get up at 6am) came out of the bedroom because he thought I was being murdered. He was glad to see that I was alive, and even did me the favor of picking up the dead roach and throwing it away! Hooray! However, he also pointed out that I had sprayed Raid all over everything in the living room. Oops.
But that fucking giant roach is DEAD! I win, fucker!!!